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Tool of the Week: Week 27

I hope I’m not alone when I say that I think Bob Menery is the least funny human I’ve ever heard. 

Painfully unfunny. Idk what this guy’s deal is but he almost sounds like a 6th grader who recently started dropping the F-bomb and he’s overdoing it. And that 6th grader somehow has the unique ability to produce  voice inflection like a tryhard sports commentator.

I just don’t get it. The only thing funny about these videos is the videos themselves. That women’s football league coach screaming at Megan to get her head in the game? (“Your job is the weak side tight end!!”) That’s funny. But this guy commentating over the top of it saying “Oh no I think it’s gonna happen A-FUCKING-GAIN!”

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This tool probably landed on my radar 2 or 3 years ago. Saw some stupid instagram videos of him doing fake announcer voiceovers like those above and didn’t think too much about it.

But then over time I started to hear more and more about this phrase “ripper magoo.” Which again, started pretty harmless, but slowly got annoying as shit. 

It didn’t take more than google search (that I’m not supposed to believe) to figure out that he’s referencing cocaine. And of course he is. Because he looks like the type of guy who you invite out to Wednesday night dinner and he ends up doing cocaine and ordering $400 worth of drinks. Keep an eye on how fidgety this guy always is. Notice how he can’t keep his hands and feet still. 

Also – it’s videos like that above with Rich Eisen that make me wonder how this chump gets a studio interview on NFL Network. Why on earth is this fake announcer guy constantly hanging out with celebrity sports figures??

Saquon!? He’s got Saquon on his team?? Something is off with this Menery dude and it’s not just that weird lazy eye or the constant twitching (probably from the speed he’s ingesting). I have a radar for this type of stuff. This dude’s a tool. No doubt. But he’s a different type of tool. He’s the type of tool that will hang you out to dry at a moment’s notice. He’s the type of guy to drive you and your buddies to a bar as the DD and then abandon you at 1am to walk some drunk girl he just met home. “I just wanted to make sure she got home safe!”

So back to the celebrity hangouts – let’s simplify this. There’s only a few potential explanations as to what’s going on here…

Is he:

A) paying the celebrities to pose as his friends and take photos?

B) such a likable guy that all of these star athletes genuinely like him and want to be around him?

C) annoying the hell out of anyone and everyone with clout so he can latch onto their success and ride their coattails?

(HINT: It’s C. The answer is C.)

 

I know that video is 4 minutes long, but I promise you it’s worth it. Listening to Bob Menery in that video is like listening to a toddler who just got red-handed and his father is scolding him. And rather than fessing up he’s attempting to change the subject by telling his dad how much he loves him.

And then when that doesn’t work he starts pitching job offers for himself: 

“I want to do this. All I want is this. I want to (announce) rough and rowdy. That’s all I want to do!” – TOOL

“OK, well you’re not going to do that, CLEARLY. That’s definitely not happening.” – Portnoy

“OK…..All right….well….” – TOOL

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I think I just became a Dave Portnoy fan?

My instincts on Bob the Tool were exactly correct. He will nag the living shit out of you in between his consumptions of pills and booze.

If you are opposed to watching those above videos – I’ll sum it up. Menery must be from the Boston area. And he “worked” for Barstool years and years ago in the form of handing out Barstool t-shirts. But somewhere in the job description there was a miscommunication of whether he was supposed to tell every girl he gave a shirt to flash him and say “you should sleep with Dave Portnoy.” So when Portnoy got wind of this kid harassing the girls he fired him.

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Flashforward to present day and Portnoy is mad at him because Menery got caught talking behind his back at a Celtics game after a failed job negotiation between Menery and Barstool. So as Portnoy is calling him out for the backtalking, Menery continues to dig his own grave by attempting to brown nose.

“I wasn’t trashing you, I was saying that we should be working together!”

“I respect the shit out of what you guys do.”

“Oh come on you know I love you David!”

The conversation concludes with Menery rambling and Portnoy screaming “SPEED IT UP BOB. IT’S TAKEN YOU A WEEK TO GET YOUR BALLS BACK. GO FUCKING FAST.” before Menery rambles some more and the phone gets hung up on him. An all time radio moment.

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And as a sidenote – it would appear that TOOL must run in the Menery bloodlines.

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Jesus H can you actually tweet something like that and not be arrested? “I swear on everything I own I’ll come find you and kill you where you stand.” ???

Oh and speaking of arrests…

Upset of the year is this guy convincing some poor woman to date him. After a nice public breakup with this Katie woman which included some namecalling on twitter, it looks like he recently had a highly publicized date with a professional tennis player that also went really well!

“Oh my god, no, not Bob” sums it up pretty well IMO. 

PSA to all the ladies out there – if you are ever tempted to go on a date with a single guy who’s famous on social media PLEASE DON’T. There’s a reason that guy is famous but somehow single. And that reason is because he is a TOOL.

Oh and one last thing – almost forgot to include one of his celebrity buddies!

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