Hey brothas I just got back from the garage and I brought with me a fresh new Tool. Check this out!
Welp, I can see where this is going. Might as well take a peak at this guy’s profile…
Yeah that looks about right.
For those of you who don’t know, back in 2010 a tv show host named Conan O’Brien was booted out of his time slot for a show called Late Night on NBC or something like that. I still remember this because I was watching TV with my dad and a commercial came on urging us tv viewers to watch this red haired troll doll looking dude on some new late night show. Of course my dads natural response was to scoff and say something to the effect of “pfff, guy would probably eat his own shit on camera to get on TV.” Despite being wildly inaccurate, I still think that’s a funny quote to this day.
Since then, I’ve come to know who Conan O’Brien is and I would like to go on the record and say that he is probably a pretty funny guy. And he definitely doesn’t have to consume his own feces to get airtime. I don’t personally watch him, but then again, you can imagine my ignorant thoughts on the type of person who tunes into “Late night with dickhead jones!” Spoiler alert, I think that shit is for simpletons. “OH MY GOD TREVOR NOAH JUST NAILED TRUMP WITH ANOTHER ZINGER!” That shit wasn’t funny or creative the first time he did it, and it sure is shit isn’t funny after 4 consecutive years. Beating the dead Trump horse is not only painfully unfunny, it’s also breaking the #1 cardinal rule.
Oh and just to bring all you fanboys and fangirls up to speed – Trevor Noah, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel and all those idiots aren’t the ones writing the jokes. Their job is to put on a suit and read off a teleprompter. Just FYI.
So if you are following along, the point of that rant was to draw a connection between Conan O’Brien eating his own shit and this Houston Jones tool describing himself as a “human punching bag.” The bottom line is that there are guys like this who exist in real life. He’s just a tool willing to push the boundaries of his own self-respect in order to monetize it. He’s the real life version of “funny guy” Andy Bernard when Will Ferrell becomes the new office manager.
So let’s get back to the tool. I’m going to shake things up a bit this week and tell his story in chronological order. I think it’s funnier that way so you can slowly watch him sell his soul to the devil.
If somebody put a gun to my head and asked me to guess what this “bodybuilder punching bag’s” first ever picture on instagram was – I’d guess a shirtless mirror selfie holding a flip phone. The only part I would have been wrong about is the flip phone.
I love the fact that he hashtagged #tooltuesday. Just gained about 5% of respect for this guy. Self-awareness is key if you’re going to be a tool. This guy at least has some.
I can’t help but wonder if he is in college from those shirtless pictures. In case you are wondering, yes, those are from 3 different days. YIKES. Big time tool move.
The college kid who spends all of his free time lifting has always confused me. First of all, how do you have that much free time? Secondly, why are you not designating every second of your free time to getting intoxicated? You have the rest of your life to play around with weights. Everybody admires a 40 year old dad who manages to stay in great shape. But nobody admires a 40 year old dad who slams triple beer bongs and polishes off random wounded soldiers at the bar. Take notes college kids – it’s situational awareness. Always know the down and distance.
I’ve always wondered what the vibe of the bodybuilder competition backstage is when these people are all nervously standing around with sticky brown paint eyeing each other up. Has anybody ever tried to break the ice by yelling out “holy shit do we look ridiculous or what!?”
Ding ding ding! From what I can tell, this is his first ‘Andy Bernard funny guy’ incident. Looks like he had his buddy hit him with a taser. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been to a party where someone has a taser. I’d be telling the truth if I said I have never been the guy that sets his beer down and screams “let me try that thing out!”
Second incident. This guy wasted no time setting the bar ridiculously high on himself. I’ve never really understood the obsession of eating hot shit that can cause internal damage, but I gotta admit I’m impressed if this tool actually downed 5 ghost peppers.
Here we go! Obviously the next step up from the ghost peppers is to get yourself blasted with a paintball gun from point blank.
I gotta be honest, I’m impressed with his ability to ramp up the stupidity. “The taser was nothing, let’s staple my tongue.”
PS – he later went taser to the nuts
Ok dickhead you win. I’m going to click on your YouTube video.
Yeah I mean that has to hurt. It’s not the most violent strike but he did indeed get slapped with a cactus. I wouldn’t do that for 100,000 dollars and yet this dude probably did it for 100,000 views.
Not clicking this one, but hoping he got some of his teeth knocked out.
I was starting to get bored, but then this. Jesus christ you tool you might be one tough SOB after all. That hurt just watching it.
The creativity is off the charts NEXT LEVEL. This guy should be writing for SNL, not getting abused by a weedwhacker.
Not gonna lie I LOLd when he came somersaulting in to take that pressure washer to the chest. That shit was funny. Also – is this guy on coke 24/7?
All righty then. When somebody starts shitting themself on camera that’s usually a tell tale sign that it’s went too far. He’s just one step away from my dad’s quote coming true. (Please nobody tell him how many views he will get by eating his own shit because I think he might honestly do it.)
I have to include this one because I enjoy the fact that he actually took his schtick too far. You can hear the panic in his voice when he says “we’re done” while he’s waiting for the onset of the pain. “I’m lightheaded.”
He’s doing full blown fake wrestling stunts but making the mistake of forgetting the fake part. Holy shit I thought I was done looking, but I can’t stop. This tool might get a follow from me after all.
Wow. Mission accomplished. It must have taken a lot of effort to lose that much self respect but you made it to Tosh. Congratulations man. Now take us out with the SportsCenter feature.
I’m looking forward to continuing to monitor this tool in the future. I get the feeling that he’s just getting started…