You know you are a special breed of tool when the Chicago Tribune feels the need to write an entire article about you. Nothing says “one team” like a strength coach that intentionally drives a bunch of attention towards himself when the cameras are on. This article had me lolin several times throughout. It’s basically a list of 10 things to know about this guy. I’ll break down a few of the key takeaways in some detail below.

•  When asked for the size of his biceps he said “No idea” and “Not big enough – can always get bigger.”
  • That’s terrific. This is the type of guy who came home from high school one day and measured the size of his biceps to the nearest cm in his dad’s garage. Then he went on to do it every single day for the rest of his life. The thought that he has no idea how large his arms are, which he does everything in his power to draw attention towards, is hilarious. “Can always get bigger.” The good news is if they do get bigger he’ll be sure to let us know promptly.
• Spanos played high school football at Maine South, which was apparently a state championship program. He played fullback (of course), nose tackle (wtf?), and rush end (now we’re just making shit up). The next sentence is verbatim from the article because it’s the greatest sentence on earth and I don’t want to take away from it’s beauty… “He aimed to play college ball but didn’t have the grades, so he enrolled at Oakton Community College while working in a warehouse, coaching Pop Warner and training to be a firefighter.”
  • This guy was essentially the next Fridge Perry for the Chicago Bears but those pesky high school teachers stole his NFL dreams from him. On second thought, the idea that you need good grades in high school to play on a college football team has been proven incorrect once or twice over the course of history. You ever hear of Vince Young bro?
  • The firefighter part was probably the most predictable thing about this guy. It’s a miss on my part not mentioning it in the first paragraph. I should have started this blog with “This guy looks like a wannabe firefighter turned strength coach.” I can only imagine a guy like this on a power trip in the fire hall. Screaming “Let’s Go!”, shoving his boys around, and trying to figure out if he can cut the sleeves off his fire suit.
  • And the Pop Warner part is scary. At least a college kid can assess what they are looking at when they see a guy like this. A meathead bullshitter who’s heavily into himself. An adolescent is gullible. He probably had those poor kids thinking he WAS Fridge Perry before winning The Worlds Strongest Man Competition while also serving as the US Secretary of Defense.
• He is 25 years old and single. Thank god for this pivotal information! But the article also warns all potential candidates that he knocks down 80 hours of work every week and starts every day “slamming” protein at 4:30am.
  • This article is from 2017. Willing to bet my life savings he is or will be single again within the next 3 months. This is the sort of tool that will date poor women who fall for his act. After a few months they’ve come around and figured out what he’s all about. Himself. Remember ladies – if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: If a guy has fallen in love with himself to this extent then there won’t be any love leftover for you.
  • Also – 80 Hours a week? Not buying it. There’s only so much physical shit you can responsibly do in a week. Haven’t heard of any exercise programs yet that require you to train 7 days a week for 12 hours of the day. I’ll put the over/under at 54.5 hours and 14.5 of those are spent searching his own name into twitter or instagram. “Hey Coach Fitzgerald! Yep, I’m just working on the recruiting trail again!”
• He claims that he dresses in tight polos in freezing temperatures because he doesn’t want to be comfortable. The polo keeps him on his toes.
  • I have nothing to say here. Pure stupidity. 
• He got a scar on his nose “accidentally” headbutting a backup QB.
  • Classic tool move. Where have I seen that before?