I can’t believe there was a time in my life where I didn’t have “Tool of the Week” to look forward to. I recently came across that above video on instagram and thank god I did. The IG explore tab was working overtime that day. I don’t know what kind of algorithm you are running over there Mr. Zuckerberg but please feed me all of the 30 year old Ohio State lacrosse alum turned wannabe male models you can find. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cringe when I saw that video. It’s tremendous. The home gym, the music, the 5000 pounds on that squat bar, the tiny speaker in disco party mode, the bud light red wings sign! And then the fact that his buddy had to sit there holding a cell phone pointed at him. I had to go to the profile for a deeper look.
Credit where credit is due – Jesus H can this guy throw a lacrosse ball or what? Look at that goddam torque on his body. Can we get that John Brinkus dude to come back and run a lab test on this guy? He claims in his profile info that he literally holds the record for the fastest lacrosse shot and I gotta say I believe him. At first I was pretty puzzled as to why this grown man was dedicating his life to firing lax balls past a radar gun, but I later deduced that he runs his own training academy of sorts. I don’t doubt that he knows what he’s doing, but judging by the dozens of videos of small children standing around watching him chuck lacrosse balls I worry that those parents aren’t getting their money’s worth. “So how’d it go at practice today Steven?” “Good mom, our trainer did a behind the back 100 mph throw and I held the camera perfectly still. I think I might have a career in the film industry!”
I pretty much ripped through this guys entire profile but I could have stopped after 10 pictures. You get the feel pretty quick. Videos of him throwing lacrosse balls or lifting and pictures of him shirtless. What’s an acceptable ratio of shirt to shirtless pics on your account? I think were pushing roughly 4:1 here. This guy is in tremendous shape, but at some point you’d think he’d have enough shirtless pics on his resume to call it a day. That bodybuilder mentality of “let me show you myself posed in front of a public gym mirror without a shirt on because I want to motivate YOU” has always cracked me up. What if perhaps you are just into yourself and get enjoyment out of posting the pictures? There’s no need for the misleading justification. It’s all good man. If I posted a picture of my bank account for the purposes of motivating you to make money you’d call it what it is. Me being a huge douchebag.
There’s also a fair amount of pics of him suited up. “Closing business deals all day and whipping lax rocks all night.” I am currently studying a hypothesis that a tool will usually go the extra mile to make sure he gets his watch captured in the selfie, specifically when he is suited up. Here’s a quick triple hitter supporting the theory.
That’s all I got on this guy. I don’t have the time to cross out all the @ usernames and do screen records so you’re just gonna be able to see who it is. You can even go to his profile and check it out for yourself. Is this illegal what I am doing? I mean his profile is public and I’m simply adding my commentary to the stuff he is sharing for the world to see. Feel free to fire back at me if you see this man I’m @sniggmander on instagram and I went to school at Ped State.