Hot Take Headquarters is already a roaring success from the standpoint that I didn’t quit the segment after the first installment.
Volume 2 let’s do this.
Take #4:
The people who are most vocal online about “STAY HOME” and “SAVE LIVES” are usually the ones who aren’t staying home.
This is 1000% a factual statement. The same people who are lecturing you on wearing a mask are the ones who are attending large gatherings and showing up on their friends’ social media photos. It never fucking fails.
As someone who truly attempted to be responsible over the past year, it’s truly insulting for me to see you attempting to score internet points with your mask selfie. (Also – this is your friendly reminder that as of March 2021 I am back to business as usual. If you see me at a packed bar polishing off a wounded soldier please don’t be alarmed. It’s all according to plan.)
If nothing else, this pandemic is proving to be a great way of determining which of your friends are complete hypocrites. Me personally – I’m keeping a list and checking it twice.
And for the record I am WAY less upset with the people who are living “recklessly” on a daily basis than I am with the people who are hashtagging #WearYourDamnMask and then getting tagged in photos at a house party of 12.
Take #5:
Your blue jeans make you look like a complete buffoon.
I haven’t put on a pair of jeans since I was probably 12. The reason for that is because I’m no longer 12.
Jeans, or should I say blue jeans, are for kids, nerds, and people that apparently have never tried on a pair of khakis, chinos, joggers, etc. When I think of jeans I think of some 9-to-5 corporate idiot that thinks he’s being rewarded when his boss tells him to wear jeans on a Friday. Just a complete dope.
“The bossman said we were allowed to dress comfortable this Friday. So I put on the stiffest pair of denim jeans I had and buttoned up my beer gut! Now let’s show our appreciation by working hard today!”
It’s so goddam stupid that it’s almost funny. FYI if I ever catch you in a pair of blue jeans I’m just going to assume you are one of the many people who can’t think for themselves and you bought into the idea that jeans are comfortable. Obviously you think they are comfortable because there is no possible way you think they look good.
Want proof? About a year ago my buddy Jerm texted me and said something like “Bad news on the new Penn State OC hire. He met up with the team and he’s walking around the field in blue jeans.”
Remember that thing I said about the “corporate idiot in jeans”? See above ⬆️
Jerm was dead on the money. The guy fucking sucked from the first offensive snap of the season. He lasted as Penn State’s offensive coordinator for exactly 379 days before being fired.
So let that be a lesson kids. Wear jeans if you enjoy being shitcanned from your job.