YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE…at the first ever volume of Hot Take Headquarters. Maybe you’re wondering what on earth Hot Take Headquarters is. Well, I don’t want to say that the mythological Hot Take Headquarters (HTHQ) is the very same building which That’s Garbage Media (TGM) is based out of, but I will say that HTHQ is most definitely located on the TGM campus in Garbageville, USA.
Let’s cut the bullshit and get to the hot takes. This series of blogs will feature a no-nonsense policy. There is a 99% chance the intros will be short and sweet and a 100% chance takes will be HOT (but also correct). All takes will be documented numerically in the event that any future discussions on them are necessary. Let’s do this!
Take #1:
If you sucked at sports growing up then you will probably get into deadlifting around the age of 25.
I told you I’m going to cut the bullshit and call it like I see it. Some of these takes will offend my very own friends and family. (Nobody in my family is one of these people THANK GOD but I’m thinking about a handful of my friends who fit this description to a tee)
If you pretend this take isn’t true then you are lying to yourself. Everybody knows a few dudes from high school who have dead-end jobs and dedicate their entire lives to posting videos of themselves deadlifting while rap music blares in the background. And there is a 100% chance those same dudes got cut from their 7th grade basketball team and they’re still pissed about it. When they aren’t taking their anger out on a barbell, they’re punishing women’s softballs down at the little league fields and crushing Bud Lights.
Why do they choose deadlifting over every other exercise? I have no clue. I’m not even sure what exactly they are training for. Maybe they think America will someday disintegrate and it will become an apocalyptic survival-of-the-fittest society. God only knows. But you can bet your ass they’ll be posting a Friday night video of themselves deadlifting a dangerous amount of weight with their back cranked over in some god-awful form.
Cue up the horrifying basement gym deadlift photos!
And don’t forget the selfie with the local gym lockers background!
Take #2:
You don’t need to put a lot of money down to get a gambling rush.
I would guess that I’ve bet anywhere between $0.50 and $500 on various sporting events in the last few years. I’m sure we’re all in agreement that the risk of losing $500 feels a lot more intense than the risk of losing $5.
BUT – it may surprise you to hear I have scientific proof that $2 on the Phoenix Suns can still cause you to lose your mind. That proof is me.
Just this past Saturday I was pre-gaming the Usman UFC fight (easy money) and I put $5 on some woman named Alexa Grasso. I could not have given less of a shit when I placed the bet, but I soon found myself more invested in this no-name UFC fight than I am in Microsoft stock. I was standing up and simulating punches by myself in the basement at 1am. Yes, I won the bet. And yes, in hindsight I’m shocked that I was acting like this over some 100 pound woman wearing boxing gloves:
This guy is smacking his own ass like he is the horse. Degenerate gambling is the best @barstoolbets (Via IG/bravedavey) pic.twitter.com/TGj1Lgj6C3
— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) September 3, 2019
Take #3:
If you are planning your meals for any day other than today, you are not enjoying life.
This take speaks for itself. I’ll never understand why anyone (hypothetically lets say someone I live with) will plan their meals A WEEK in advance. A week!?? I don’t know what I want to eat tonight. Hell, I don’t know IF or WHEN I want to eat tonight.
The only meal that is guaranteed in my life is peanut butter toast. Nine times out of ten when I get hungry I will open the freezer, close the freezer, open the fridge, close the fridge, and then proceed to say screw it and make myself some toast.
So let me be very clear when I say this….I enjoy life. It’s called living, brotha. You can’t pin me to a schedule. I don’t know what I’m going to do 10 minutes from now. But I do know that whatever I’m doing 10 minutes from now will be whatever I feel like doing at that time.
Planning stuff is for nervous nellies and stressy sallies. And that goes for everything in life, not just your dinners. So try tearing up your calendar and coming to live with me on the dark side for a week. I promise you’ll never turn back.
Thanks for tuning into our first volume of HTHQ. Looking forward to many more scorchers to come!